Survive as a single
Surviving as a single is harder than it seems on the first glimpse. Now I could write a bunch of introducing lines, but I guess I'll just leave you alone with this quote:
<bukKkk> the difficulty of being single is to.. eer... fail managing your live and have enough excuses to cover it
- Why shouldn't I get a girlfriend?
- OMG! The kitchen is filled up with dirty dishes!
- Friends are dropping by
Why shouldn't I get a girlfriend?
Well. First you're all like "Wooo! A Girlfriend! Wouldn't it be nice to have one?". But then you have a closer look on this matter. What are girlfriends good for, anyway? Yeah, sex of course, and some more sex, and after that some sex perhaps. But everything else, like talking, going out n stuff is more or less annoying. If you really are in need to have some female at your side when going out, just polish your shoes and ask some chick on the street. If done right, she'll be your gf for that day.
Same works for sex.
But apart from the fact, that a real relationship is kinda useless, there are some more advantages in having no gf: A "real" girlfriend will drop by occasionally, maybe even asks for another set of keys or something. DANGER!!! As soon as she gets free access to your apartment, it'll have to be tidied up EVERYDAY. Furthermore, you can't have sex with the blonde you just met in the bar. Imagine you both falling on the bed, directly on the leg of your gf. Not nice, huh?
After clearing this one up, we'll have a look on other aspects of being a single...
OMG! The kitchen is filled up with dirty dishes!
YOU MORON! Never use dishes as long you can avoid it. Let the pizza cool down in the oven till it's chilled enough to eat it right out of your hands. Order fast food and eat directly out of the box. Go out and eat in some restaurants, this will not only keep your kitchen clean but also will make you look as if you'd have a social life. And when you just can't help using a plate (eating a steak or something), just use it several times. As long as it hasn't grow fur it'll be fine.
It should be easy not to clean your kitchen for about a year with these hints. But nontheless there will come the point in your life when every single spot in your kitchen is covered by some dirty dishes.
Now just don't panic. Try to stack equal sizes of plates onto each other, seperate the cutlery and throw them all together. When stacking equal dishes, you'll gain LOTS of lost space back and won't have to clean the kitchen right now.
Well. So you stacked them and the kitchen is filled again? Poor you, having this much dishes, but even for this case i have a hint. Now all of your kitchen, maybe every single spot in your apartment is covered by junk, plates and undefinable stuff? Just order a pizza or something that comes in a cardboard. Unfold the box and place it horizontally on top of some stacked dishes. Tadaa! You just created a huge free area, usable to cut some bread on top of it, stack even more dishes or just grab a pencil and paint funny animals.
But what, if you want to clean your kitchen? First, you're not much of a single you pretend to be. Second:
Mold loosens it's grip to the dish when soaked in hot water. So just stack some dishes in the sink, fill it with hot water, add some soap or something and just wait. After about half an hour, exchange the cold water with fresh hot one and just brush away the mold. As you can see, almost no dirt is left after removing the allcovering mold.
Another advice: Don't even try to do all your dishes at once. Just clean about three to five plates when you need one, repeat this for glasses, knives, forks etc.
Friends are dropping by
You invited friends? You didn't manage to get rid of them soon enough? Poor you.
First of all: run through your apartment and open every single window you can find. Then rush into your kitchen and switch of the light, close the door. Grab some bags and fill 'em with all the junk idling around your room. Pay special attention to any wank tissues laying around. You don't want some hottie stepping into your semen, right? So your place is cleaned of junk now, the dirty dishes are safely secured in the kitchen and the friends aren't there, yet? Enough time to run around your apartment, using a deodorant on every corner that smells like "I'm a corner in a single mans apartment". Don't forget to hold your head in some water for a short time.
Phew, just in time, friends are ringing. Open the door, make the standard excuse about your hair ("I just washed it") and guide them carefully around your kitchendoor into your room. Now it's important you never stop asking if anyone needs something to drink etc. That's not just because you want to act nicely but to avoid that they stumble into your kitchen and reveal what you really are: A lazy single.
Play some music you're sure noone likes and don't be too entertaining now. Switch on the TV, if you feel like it. After about an hour of idling, suggest you go to a pub or something and you managed this dangerous situation.